{Spinning}
affronted by words.
unknown heart seized in a prison.
held captive by all i have ever known.
incarcerated by unintended chains.
slashing rather than protecting.
who i am.
who you are.
who we’ve become.
it’s not just me who has been hurt.
the pain in not unidirectional.
others have been wounded by my sharpness.
the constrictures choking me pressed in on them too.
i was so determined to be right.
so afraid of being wrong.
convinced i had to walk this straight and confining line.
or else.
fear is a powerful master.
shame a dizzying leader.
unable to truly face my own demons.
pointing fingers was easier.
feeling better about myself was simpler.
this former life taunts me.
i am anguished of spirit at the damage done.
some wounds cannot be fully healed.
some strings cannot be re-contained from their unraveling.
some words cut too deep for any salve to mend.
who i was i am no longer.
years of highest joys and tear stained pillows brought metamorphosis.
i have been there and back again.
a million times.
i am reborn over and over.
dare i believe grace is winning out?
that love is conquering the fears?
that the remedy is still the remedy.
even if some are lost from me along the way?
i am recovering.
i am rewriting my own script.
i am releasing the lies.
i am awakening to who i really am.
others may never really see me.
sometimes i wonder if i truly even see myself.
life is a convoluted mirror of sorts.
at breakneck speed i change, i shift, parts are broken free, i am more me.
i am learning to be okay with my own conversion-ing.
i am learning to say, i was wrong, please forgive me, and then move on.
to others.
to myself.
to dear whoever-you-are up there.
i am spinning.
out of control.
caught in a frozen spun.
where will i be hurled to next?
must the spinning stop.
or must it grow ever stronger, faster?
eyes wide open.
ears ringing with the turbulence.
heart racing from reconstruction.
grip ever-tightening on what i know to be true.
loosening on what needs to be laid down.
embracing deep down truth that has always been true.
i am beginning to believe it really all is going to be okay.
acknowledgement.
forgiveness.
deep breaths.
more of me is uncovered.
more of me is released.
breathing comes a bit easier.
being reborn again.
{Hope Wood © 2014}
This process of being reborn, like a newborn twisting and squeezing through the birth canal, is painful and uncertain. “stuck in the spin” and you don’t know exactly what’s on the other side.
What I resonate with especially and makes my heart beat quicker:
“i am rewriting my own script.
i am releasing the lies.
i am awakening to who i really am.
others may never really see me.
sometimes i wonder if i truly even see myself.
life is a convoluted mirror of sorts.”
When our illusions shatter, this is what it feels like. You’ve expressed it so very well. I always use way too many words, sentence upon sentence. I like your brevity and the truth compacted into each word.
What an adventure, this reinvention, reconstruction is. Messy but beautiful. Painful but powerful. Grace and peace to you – this is beautiful, this painting-in-progress portrait of you!
LikeLike
Thank you so much, your words are so helpful to me in this process!
LikeLike