{the truth it burns}

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~

the truth it burns

blazing in my bones

they don’t really see it

see me

see her

and her

and what really happened

how can something so large remain so invisible?

something so loud yet the world is deaf to it?

don’t they know the measure of a life isn’t number of days?

weeks?

breaths?

cries?

heartbeats?

even years?

why is something life to one yet nothingness to others?

how can a person remain unseen?

how can the screams go unheard?

what constitutes writing it all off, writing her off?

how can one be backed into such a brutal corner?

yet here i am, it’s been done over and over

judgments thrown

words slashing as they are hurled

relationships severed for reasons other than stated ones

but i am seeing me

seeing her

seeing them

hearing me

hearing them

knowing is growing

awareness is increasing

truth is not dependent on the ability of others to understand

truth is just truth

it is what it is

it was what it was

there are few who really know

few who really see with sight blazing

i have looked for trust where trust cannot be born

i have hoped for camaraderie where it cannot be grown

what is real in me is not any less real because most don’t see or value it

what is real about her (and her and them) is not any less real because they remain unseen

how can i find my way out of this corner turned cavern?

darkness of grief and abandonment choking the literal breath from my lungs

i cannot play any games

cannot toss about small talk like life is all sunshine and roses

beauty is terrifying as it melds itself with the dangers and realities we cannot avoid

laughter is still here

joy holds my hand too

none of the pain has pushed all the rest out the back door

yet it is all seen through different eyes now

felt more intensely all the way around

so there is more

and there is less

and it is enough

and it is not enough

i am here

yet i am lost

i will keep walking

i am a broken pile of bones that cannot get up

i am parched beyond knowing for truth, for authentic ones

weary of the rules and religion

aching for an ocean of grace to drift away on

where is the one bigger than it all?

i lost him over the horizon oh so long ago

lost in a sea of misery poured over my heart without a moment’s notice

awash yet still in the love that invaded my heart like an army overcoming all that was

i am a heart strung out on extremes

i am not without great loveliness

i am not without scathing black places where the burning happened

it is all part of the whole that is me

will my pieces come back together?

will the broken become strong?

the truth it burns

blazing in my bones

engulfed in the heat of it all

i am lost within

desperate for a way out

yet knowing there is a cleansing in the wounding

can i hold on for the healing

stay and not stop fighting?

facing demon after demon

surely there will come an end

a resting place where new desires are born where old ones were laid down

a bend in the road moving away from the trying so hard

allowing the yielding to happen

knowing it is necessary to let go of what will not come to me

surrendering makes me no less me

my hopes no less valid

the truth it burns

blazing in my bones

 

{h.w.}

 

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