::What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open.::

{Muriel Rukeyser}

this isn’t a feel good holiday post. my religious scramblings are not all tied up in a nice package with an adoring bow. you probably won’t feel better when you get to the end of this writing, i don’t have a happy ending or fluffy words to leave you with. this won’t be hailed as a post to read to get encouragement yet this baring of my wanderings, this unveiling, it is all part of where i am, where i’ve been, and where i am headed. i am in a messy place, and it is excruciatingly lonely here. many think i have lost my marbles, lost all faith, gone the way of the mad ones. maybe i have, and maybe it isn’t a bad sort of madness.


::I am convinced that the same God that might call me to sing of God at one time might call me at another to sing of godlessness. Sometimes when I think of all of this energy that’s going on, all of these different people trying to find some way of naming and sharing their belief, I think it may be the case that God calls some people to unbelief in order that faith can take new forms.::

{Christian Wiman}


this is where i am. this unbelief. how can i learn to be free within this space? to let go of the shame and guilt that plague my journey here? they say the darkness can be wasted if we resist. but what if we don’t want to resist yet cannot seem to help the flailing? if i continue to push into it surely it isn’t wasted, it just looks like what it is, my journey and no one else’s. i have yet to find the deeper river of peace supposedly on the other side of the darkness. i fight panic in my soul daily, hourly, minute by minute. how long will this phase last? this shedding, this releasing, where will it all lead? will i ever get to the peace that eludes me?


::Not only has the ego-self disappeared, but in the emptiness, the mystic doubts everything. Worse, the presence of the divine ceases to exist, and that is the hardest thing of all…You are ravished, as if in darkness, and know not what you do or don’t do. You do not even know if you exist or not. And you wonder if you will perish.::

{Juan Falconi}


last year on this very day i was sharing things online via social media about the peace of christ. i have traded the desperate clinging to the baby jesus for another sort of desperation it seems. i am a deep feeler. i wish i could move through this in a less connected way, a bit more disengaged with it all. but then that would be less authentic, it wouldn’t be me. now it is a desperate place of unbelief. christmas is not about what it used to be about for me {religiously speaking}. it is still about love. it is still about relationship. it is still about new beginnings. hope. forgiveness. life. beauty. is it okay that i find myself in a place of experiencing the holidays without all the faith? without all the wonder and awe of the christ child? will i ever be in that place again?


::Now that my ladder’s gone,
I must lie down where all the ladders start
In the foul rag and bone shop of the heart.::

{William Butler Yeats}


i am scared of where this journey is leading me. am i headed into a darkness that won’t be freeing but rather damnation? hopelessness? or will my unbelief lead to place of newly formed faith? will a reformation happen? rebuilding, finding a new source, in with the new, out with the old? brand new foundation rather than rebuilding. gutted and starting all over brick by brick? whatever it will be this time, it will be mine, it will be me, fully me.


::I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.::

{TS Eliot}


but who is me? i have lost myself in trying to find myself. i am in the waiting. i am in the unknowing. the unfeeling. the unbelieving.




 {art courtesy of Messy Canvas}