{long goodbyes}

i can’t tell you i am completely fine

i can’t say there is only happiness and blessing

i can’t speak of the rawness of her delivery

i can’t tell you in words the emotions that filled the inner spaces and vibrated off the walls of that silent room

i can’t speak of the primal need for validation in the midst of a misunderstood loss

i can’t say i received all the support i really needed

i can’t tell you i held her long enough

i can’t say the nurse was empathetic without a big cheesy grin

i can’t speak of the look in the eyes of my soulmate as he first laid eyes on her

i can’t tell you everything will be okay soon

i can’t speak of the cutting words laced with sweet icing thrown our way

i can’t say i understand why or that there was really even a valid purpose

i can’t speak of the goodness in her death but her life is good, period.

i can’t tell you i always responded with grace to the grief naysayers

i can’t say it will feel normal ever again

i can’t speak of my little family without sensing screams of silence for a life unlived

i can’t tell you she was the only one

i can’t say the shattering never came again

i can’t speak of the chasm i learned to live in

i can’t tell you others give me space to grieve a million lifetimes over and back again

i can’t say i was not embraced by a few

i can’t speak of pungent invalidation that ran us over

i can’t tell you we were without love of any kind

i can’t say there weren’t those who offered solace on some level

i can’t speak of mounds of pointless icing slathered on our bleeding places by ministry leaders

i can’t tell you i am okay even now in this moment

i can’t speak of sisters without getting choked up

i can’t say the word girls without knowing all over again she won’t know that bond

i can’t tell you about the family pictures that will never be taken

i can’t speak of the love flowing through the severe grievous caverns inside

i can’t say that my gratitude can ever be measured now, for there are no numbers as high

i can’t tell you the depths to which beauty has traveled to lift my head

i can’t speak to the inner spaces that have been so reorganized they are barely recognizable

i can’t say there is sufficient language for the impact of it all, of them, of her, and her…

i can’t tell you that long goodbyes ever find closure

i can’t speak of the lessons learned in darkness

i can’t say there has been no semblance of peace found in moments of respite

i can’t tell you i will ever comprehend the how or why

i can’t speak of who i am these days without turning circles

i can’t say all will like the person i am becoming

i can’t speak for anyone but myself

i can’t tell you i have arrived

i can’t say there aren’t countless more bends in the road coming up ahead

i can’t speak for the loves in my life

i can’t tell them enough they are my heart

i can’t speak my old words anymore

i can’t say all i used to say

i can’t tell you i am proud of every moment

i can’t speak as one who has it altogether

i can’t say everyone will like who is being birthed now

i can’t tell you all the pieces falling broken to the wayside will ever find their way home again

i can’t speak about some of the moments passed

i can’t say all i wish to say to those well meaning leaders

i can’t tell the world that it is really okay to not care deeply about others

i can’t speak of the utter disregard to a measure that can contain it

i can’t say good intentions will solve it all

i can’t tell you that short hellos and that long goodbyes will ever find a rhythm within which to dance together

i can’t speak of her as i long to

i can’t say i am completely fine

i can’t tell you what you want to hear

i can’t speak with my old voice anymore

i can’t say i even know the former ways and lingo

i can’t tell you who i was, but i am seeing glimmers of me showing up in the cracks of a life

i can’t speak of being healed and whole, yet i carry them with me always, as shards of broken glass that remind me

i can’t say i believe every word within the pages

i can’t tell you i am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt anymore

i can’t speak in tongues of angels but i can love deeper than before

i can’t say life is bowl of sunshine and roses

i can’t tell you i am without blessing and abundance

i can’t speak of the rooms filled to the top with those bottles of tears

yet i can

can you hear me?

will you hear me?

thank you.

{Hope Wood © 2014}


(image source)