{Bystander}
i am a bystander in the crowd of my own life
i’m not here today
i must be in hiding
surviving with the proverbial covers over my head
yet walking and talking and living-my-life
these days there is no talking myself out of it
no amount of count-your-many-blessings does the trick
no prayers for deliverance fit the bill
i’ve lived in the in-between worlds today
unable to take much in or give much out
i detest this place of seeming nothingness
my soul seems to get lost in the middle of the battle
i can’t discern north, south, east, or west
can’t see where i’ve come from or where i’m headed
blind to even know where i stand in the present
colors are faded
heart is flat
the world is fuzzy
it’s as though i am down a long, long hallway from myself
i cannot reach me
i cannot connect to the emotion of what is real
going through the motions
doing what needs to be done
seems there is so much to process that today i cannot process anything at all
living in the gray zone
it’s torturous at best
obliged to keep my chin up
pull myself up from my boot straps
pat myself on the back
tell myself to focus on the blessings
if only it were that easy
if only it took some magic words
maybe my heart is telling me it’s on overload
that something has to give
yet what can give when i’m tightly hanging on?
there is no keeping-up-with-the-jones-es
i can’t keep up with me
with them, with him
i am gentler with myself when the gray zone descends
i’m learning it’s okay to be here even though it feels like a terrible nothingness
i’m learning to keep putting one foot in front of the other
i’m learning that this too really will pass
i wish i could say it won’t come again
but i am learning to accept that it is a frequent visitor
and i will not give in to the pull of condemning myself for this unwanted guest
it does not define me
it does not entirely control me
but i am learning it does have to run its course
finish its business before it leaves again
i struggle in wondering how it affects my little ones
fake-it-till-you-make-it only goes so far
most days i am able to skirt around the edges of it
living in its shadow
dancing the dance of motherhood to a tune i recall yet don’t hear well in this place
i am convinced that beauty is still here although not felt today
real beauty doesn’t fade with the atmosphere or change with the tides of emotion
it is not dependent on the viewer’s perspective
it just is no matter what
so i cling to what i know is true today
to the realities that are still real no matter the fault lines i am navigating
i fear the next earthquake yet i press in and love anyway
i may know myself even less today than i usually do these days
but i am still me
i cling to what i know
i am what i am today
{Hope Wood © 2014}
So descriptive, so engaging. Your writing is real and relevant. I can relate to this kind of day, to this state of mind.
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Thank you 🙂
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Oh Hope, I have been here, on too many days. It’s a lousy place to be. You’re right, this will pass and I’m glad that you can be gentler with yourself.
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Thank you sweetie 🙂
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Hope, when I read this I am grateful for the Net and at the same time, frustrated by its lack of physicality — the fact that I can’t see you in person. Whatever the nature of relationship between people on the Net really is (and I haven’t figured it out yet), I know my gut response to what you wrote was to want to stand in the ashes, on the fringes, at the edge of pain, with you. Honoured by your integrity.
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Thank you Jan! Your kindness is so encouraging!
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don’t give up! ❤
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