I’m in a field
A war zone
Catastrophe of the soul
A spiritual apocalypse
Bodies everywhere
Strewn mercilessly
Devastation as far as the eye can see
A wasteland of religion

But I’m alive

I run back and forth between bodies
Is there anyone still pulsing with life?
Will I find him here?
I turn bodies over one by one
Frantic gaze cutting across their lifeless expressions
I know some of these lines, these eyes, mouths and noses.
Air knocked viscously from my chest as though I fled unknowingly into an invisible wall
How can this all be?
How did it all come to be?
How did I get here?
How did it come to this?
It’s too much to take in
I steel my will and steady my breathing
I squeeze my eyes to keep the tears at bay
There is no time to grieve now
I must keep looking from one body to the next

None of the faces are the one I’m looking for
Where has he gone?
Where does he lay dying?

So much has died around me

So many good things
Helpful things
Comforting things
Double-edged things
Masqueraded things
Hidden things
Ugly yet seemingly beautiful things
Death envelopes me on every side

I’m in a battle
A battle for my mind
my heart
my faith
my dear-whoever-you-are-up-there
my beauty
my me-ness
for all that I am and ever hope to be

Is he here?
Can he be found?
Does he still exist?
Did he die too?
Please tell me he’s here
That he may look different
Sound different
But that he will be found one day
How much longer will I longer in this Nether region of blood, sweat, and tears?

I see a figure in the distance
He is coming towards me
I don’t recognize him yet I do
He doesn’t look familiar yet I know that gait
I can see the outline of his face now
Those eyes burn with awareness of the bloodied girl before them
He knows who I am
He sees the battle I’ve been waging
He understands all that has been lost and all that holds my affections
I see myself reflected in those eyes
Is it him who I’ve been seeking?
He is not himself yet it is him
Or is it?

{Hope Wood © 2014}