“No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of @#!*% . There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don’t.”
(Stephen King, The Stand)
passing you by while doing good work
acknowledging yet never really seeing you
maybe glimpses are caught yet quickly dismissed
maybe flickers of something more, yet quickly drowned out
smiles rarely reaching beyond the surface
how-are-you’s not getting to the messy spaces
if the messy seeps through you are often quickly delegated out
status quo cannot be challenged, not really challenged
you don’t fit the mold
you don’t act the part, look the part, or talk the talk
cogs in a machine, where can they plug you in?
they believe they are on the right path, the best path
they believe they are doing what needs to be done
they believe they are really expressing love in its truest form
but people are overlooked
people are passed by
people are preached at yet not into
people are externally rearranged yet internally bleeding out
people are connected by titles and who knows who, yet hearts ignored
i know i have a fickle heart
i know i have bitterness that chases me
i know i have my past
but i know i have a beauty that is worth it
i have a future that is redemptive, and a now that is needing some hands in mine
but where does real connection happen if not in the messes and surprising joys?
where does love happen if not in the wounds and rivers of healing?
what happened to weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those who rejoice?
was it all really meant to be more of a business and less of about relationships?
is life more about numbers and outfits and status and less about living, growing, and changing all towards our Creator?
i have tasted community, i know it exists
but here i stand now with most of those people gone as well
life happens and circumstances change
but was the closeness there even a mirage as best too?
when the rubber meets the road and the heart needs cheering, where are they?
maybe this is the best it can be this side of the eternal?
i just cannot accept that, i believe there is more to be had
more to love, more to redeem, more to embrace
i’m tired, i’m weary, i’m seeing through the lies, seeing through the facades
not everyone is like this, they can’t be
there is still hope, there are still people willing to go into the narrow spaces with us
there are still people who will love you beyond a cursory glance and surface hug
there have to be
there are still people who will call a spade a spade, who will love you into the best you that you can be
and who will let you love them in return
there are still people who will not turn their backs when the truth becomes clear
there are still people who will love me for me and not what i can do for them
there are still people who will not be consistently ungracious, who ask questions, who see the beauty unfolding
there have to be
where are they?
no more listening to the critics, the naysayers, the ones who always think they are right
love is my goal
relationship is my goal
i won’t always get it right either but may i always have feet firmly planted where love is growing
i must have more space to breathe now, more space to pursue the beauty
i will keep pressing in
i have to
life is beautiful, it always has been, it always will be
i will not be passed by any longer, it will no longer be me who always to blame
i am not bad
i did not deserve this treatment
my shame-walk is on its last lap
cheer me on if you will
we need one another
join me in my metanoia
i am coming together as i am unraveling
i am shedding off as i am relearning
i am running from the lies as i am coming home to myself
i will not pass by mySelf any longer
“I must be a mermaid…I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow things.” (Anais Nin)
“The glory of God is the human person fully alive.”
(Irenaeus of Lyons)