{Living}

tightness in the pit of my stomach

breaths that can only go so deep

buzz of headache coming on strong

racing thoughts

ground shifting under my feet again

disappointment and dashed hopes

dreams uncovered now dreams delayed

i’m drawn to the simplicity of the morning

snuggles

i-love-yous

good coffee

little feet on my thigh

little body enfolded in mine

giggles

bright eyes

high pitched bird songs

screened-in porch time

perspective shift

looking to the here and now

what is, what is working, what is good now

the dreams aren’t gone

the hope isn’t gone

the good isn’t gone

God isn’t gone

i don’t know where he is specifically

i don’t know why things happened the way they did

i don’t know why

i don’t know

but when the sting of tears threatens

when the cries of tired children pierces

when plans come crashing down

when relationships don’t pan out

i am here

i am alive

beauty is still here

purpose has not gone away.

even when the tightness returns

when the old patterns slip back in

when emotions tell us something but its not always truth they speak in full

when tiredness makes my bones ache

when some much thinking makes my head fuzzy and my thoughts a blur

when the will of dear-whoever-you-are-up-there feels like a cynical comedic mystery

when the walls seem to be closing in and the narrow places get even tighter

i am still here

i am still alive

beauty is still here

purpose is still here

the light in her eyes

the little hands bringing me a book to read

the bigger hands that touch my shoulders

the bigger arms that embrace me

the funny things my sweet kids say

the amazing resilience and simple joys that remain

the little sayings that speak so much love from daughter to mother

the tilt in her voice, the sparkle in her eyes

i have to believe i am going to be okay

that we are all going to be okay

more than okay

this is the sacred stuff

this day in and day out of life

this is the beauty

even in the painful places

this is beauty

life is a pulsating mystery worth living

worth living every single agonizing second

and live i will.

 {Hope Wood © 2014}

 

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