{Reminding & Finding}

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“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” (May Sarton)

i’m reminding myself to breathe

i find myself holding my breath without even realizing it

i’m reminding myself to slip away and let the tears come freely for a couple stolen moments

i find myself fussing internally at the water that comes unbidden to fill my eyes

i’m reminding myself that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes

i find myself surprised by the pressure weighing on my chest

i’m reminding myself that sometimes the heavy things can press out impurities

i find myself awakening to tiny joys as the days here are numbered

i’m reminding myself that i will leave parts of myself here and that is okay and it doesn’t mean i won’t be whole in the new land

i find myself wondering what life could have been like here if grief hadn’t railroaded us

i’m reminding myself that reality is what it is and the good is mixed in with the bitter, that is the way of life and it can be no other way

i find myself wondering who really knows me

i’m reminding myself that i am on the road to finally knowing myself well, and it’s a journey with a well worn path yet few companions

i find myself juxtaposed against what is and what could be in a moment, what has been and what has changed

i’m reminding myself that love changes, relationships shift, time goes on, and it’s okay to be in a thin and unpopulated venue of heart for now, this is a season i am unkown to most others and to myself, but the unknown is becoming known

i am finding that dear-whoever-you-are-up-there is wider and more encompassing than i’ver ever known

i’m reminding myself that beauty and the sacred are woven into the fabric of it all, way down deep, nothing is without them

i am finding that the tearing away is necessary, the letting go required, the surgery scheduled and yet already taking place

i am reminding myself that even if the ground beneath me gives way, i will still be okay

i am finding that i carry within me such a grand history of significance, and if the audience of my story is small, that is really and truly okay.

i am reminding myself that my purpose is unfolding, it is happening, it is going to happen, it is coming, it has come

i am finding that i must squeeze through the narrow places to in order to burst into more wide open spaces

i am reminding myself that there is continuity among all the crashing waves of change

i am finding a place of honor towards the life i have lived so far, and the life i have yet to live

i am reminding myself yet again that every moment is of infinite impact, only to pass my way once, yet i am free to just be in them without the weight of having to wring out every ounce of supposed blessing from them to the point of twisting myself into knots

i am finding that pursuing beauty is my purpose now

i am reminding myself to breathe, breathe deeply, this is my beautiful and terribly chaotic peaceful sweet burdensome freeing space in which to live and move and love and remember and cherish it piece by sacred piece

i am finding my life, myself, by losing them.

i am reminding myself that the path to the un-narrow places will be gnarly at times, striking chords of unrest and judgment out of their hiding places, calling to me to leave them behind and forgive

i am finding me

i am finding him

i am finding her

i am finding them

i am finding life.

{Hope Wood © 2014} 

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