{I am Blessing}

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“You are not dead yet. It is not too late to open your depths by plunging into them and drink in the life that reveals itself quietly there.” {Rainer Maria Rilke}

“Her invisibility is her banishment; her recognition after enormous soul making is her return.” {Marion Woodman}

“It can be a rattling thing to realize that what you thought you had figured out about yourself is really not you at all.” {Mandy Steward}

seven years since you’ve been gone.

four years since your sister left us too.

i’m not dead yet, but i felt dead for so long.

i’m finding me again.

it isn’t time that has helped, it’s authenticity.

i’m not listening to the shoulds and the justs and the platitudes anymore.

grief is now no longer bound by expectations.

now it is free to flow and grow and transcend.

it doesn’t matter what the naysayers say.

i don’t listen anymore.

i’m learning to hear my own voice and not drown it out.

i’m learning that God is speaking in ways He didn’t before.

maybe what i thought was silence was a new path of His at work?

maybe the silence wasn’t really silence but i couldn’t hear past all the noise?

the noise was so loud in my own heart and coming from others.

the noise of doing all the right churchy things.

the noise of checking the boxes.

the noise of sermons that said to do do do and mostly stepped right over the hearts of those in the pews.

the noise of serving while neglecting oneself and God.

the noise of societal expectations that only served to further the exhaustion.

oh the noise. my own noise.

i’ve had to close my ears to survive.

i’ve realized too that i felt even disregarded by my babies that died.

that sounds crazy but even their silence taunted me.

silence of no pitter patter of their feet.

silence of no giggles from them.

silence of no “i love you’s” whispered.

silence of their lives not being here.

i’m realizing that they are not truly silent either.

their lives just make different noises.

their voices do echo in my heart and life.

i am beginning to hear them now.

i think i am beginning to hear God again too.

dare it be true?

voices of love.

acceptance.

there is more to me than all the world slams against me.

i am more than what i am thought to be.

i am not who others see at first glance.

i will always grieve on some level.

mommies and littles aren’t meant to be separated.

they have lived on in me.

they don’t want me drowning in my sadness.

i’m not drowning anymore.

i’m reaching the shore after a long swimming smothering grief storm.

i’ve got to get out or give in and die.

i’m getting out.

i’m breathing easier these days.

there is not so much or so many who rob me of my own breath.

all the people i thought may extend a supposed hand of rescue to me only shoved me further down.

most others only served to exacerbate the drowning.

some intentionally some not.

it doesn’t even matter anymore.

it’s not about them, it’s about life moving on with them behind me.

i wish all the other voices good but i have to listen only to a select few now.

i bless them.

i bless my babies.

i bless my God whose voice has changed.

i bless my own soul who is finding her voice again and maybe for the very first time.

i am blessing and i am moving little by little into a new place.

i am returning yet i am breaking new ground.

i am me again yet i am someone new.

{Hope Wood © 2014}

“Maybe you begin with yourself.” {Mandy Steward}

“Do you think I’ve gone round the bend?” “I’m afraid so. You’re mad, bonkers, off you’re head. But I’ll tell you a secret – all the best people are.” {Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland}

“You have lived your whole life to please others. The choice must be yours because when you step out to face that creature, you will step out alone.” {Alice in Wonderland, Tim Burton version}

“I’ve been told what I must do and who I must be, but this is my dream. I’ll decide where it goes from here…I make the path.” {Alice in Wonderland, Tim Burton version}

“How could one person, not very big, leave an emptiness that was galaxy-wide.” 

{Sheldon Vanauken, from A Severe Mercy}

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