{The Soul Voice}

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“This week we will heed the siren’s call. We will tune into and allow the blurts. We will allow the snuffing of lights, so we can see the distant light of our own Soul and follow it down, down, down the rabbit hole to the roots of all we are. We will have our humanity. We are allowing that humanity to wander, to slip through left open gates so that it might make it out into the wild unknown. We are going dark. We are carving psychic containers, so that life, this life, our life, is possible. Something divine may just meet us down here.” (The Wild Mystics)

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“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” (Rainer Maria Rilke)

~

I am clenching my fists, clenching my heart, clenching my feelings.

I am wanting to let go, and run through the gate, but I am hesitant, I am scared, I am waiting for the gate to slam shut.

I am doubting the gate is even real and there is something of beauty and substance on the other side of it.

Finally giving myself permission to listen to my heart and all that is going on there is opening up some things in me. I feel stupid though. I feel like it doesn’t all matter, but I know somewhere deeper than those feelings that it does all matter, that I matter, that I am worthy and valuable and I do have a voice that has something, a lot of somethings, to say that are meaningful, meaningful even across time and space.

After almost 7yrs of not really hearing from God anymore, not feeling a closeness with Him, not knowing His presence or peace or whatever it was I had before then.The silence has gotten so very LOUD.

I have to walk this road, I have to search for more beyond the institutional church, beyond the invalidated grief, beyond my body that I hate, beyond my piles upon piles of imperfections, beyond my lack of heart to heart friends, beyond mothering, beyond being a wife, beyond here and now.

Who am I now?

What has become of me?

What will become of me?

What is my purpose?

Has God left me on the side of the road to fend for myself?

Has this been a necessary abandonment for my own good?

Did I do something to deserve the silence?

How can I find my voice?

Will anyone else even think it’s valid?

What will come of all this?

Is there really anything of substance that will count, that will make a difference in the lives of others that I have to offer?

If I cannot hear God anymore, who do I try and listen to now?

How do I trust myself again?

I don’t even know how to do this, how to go deeper and find the roots of myself.

I am scared I am going to get even more lost and that I won’t survive this.

An image that came to my mind in church sometime over the past 6 months (before I gave up on institutional church altogether), when the emptiness of my faith came to a crescendo was this:

I was up against a huge brick wall and I was weary and bleeding and spent from all the attempts to climb over, all the banging on the wall, all the screaming for God to hear me and to respond…And I saw beings of some sort laughing at me over the top of the wall. This depicts where I “feel” spiritually, and it’s an awful place to be in.

One supposed “mentor” {note the sarcasm} told me that I just needed to accept the love of God for myself and that would change everything, and that it would change my view of church and mothering and of me…and that basically my prison is self-imposed and if I would just accept God, just believe, then everything would be different. Is that true? It feels very condemning to me..I know I carry some responsibility but do I carry all of it? So much of the heaviness seems to come from outside of myself..am I just imagining that? And who doesn’t need to accept more of the love of God? We all do…but that response to my pain and the imagery felt condescending and full of platitudes and reeked of “you need to pull it together and fix yourself!”…I need me, yes I do, but more than that I need something beyond myself..I need the divine, I need the eternal…I cannot in and of myself put myself back together again like humpty dumpty…can I? Do I have the power to do that for myself? Sometime I feel like the darkness that is consuming me is leaking away my sanity along with my faith….I don’t know how much more of all this I can take if something doesn’t shift soon.

But I am not giving up, I will keep searching, I must, mustn’t I?

Or maybe I do need to lay down and give up, at least give up some things?

I am lost in a whirlwind it seems, not knowing which way is up or down.

God help me.

Where is Your hand that I can grab a hold of?

Is it really just me in here?

{Hope Wood © 2014}

But this is not the life I want for myself! Don’t you see? This is not it at all. (Mandy Steward)

There is a place for you here. You belong. (Mandy Steward)

What’s inside me either matters or it doesn’t. I have a decision to make about myself…(Mandy Steward)

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